And the award for most ridiculous parents goes to…

Y’all, I love being a mom.  It’s outrageous.  We are having a freaking blast.

And I’m sorry the blog hasn’t been updated in a while!  Washing bottles is a full time business.

To tide us all over until I have a speck of free time and can get some real blogging work done, let’s enjoy the pictures we took of Raylan today.  Here’s a hint:  EYEBROWS.

Happy 6 weeks, my little buddy!!

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“10 Things New Moms Want to Tell New Dads” – The Clawson Version

One of my favorite things to do during my free time (besides stare at the kid and make sure he is still breathing…does the urge to do that ever stop?), is to hop on the trusty book of faces and see what newly published blog posts Scary Mommy has shared.  The articles range from serious to almost hilariously sacrilegious, but they always hit close to home, whether it makes me tear up or laugh my ass off.  Recently, however, they shared a blog post that I felt needed a few extra details, particularly as they relate to my husband.

See the original blog post below in bold and my additions in italics.

10 Things New Moms Want to Tell New Dads

1. You’re holding the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

But thank you for even WANTING to hold the baby.  Thank you for not being one of those people who freaks out when they come near an infant because they are squishy and fragile and squirmy and cry and poop.  Because when you went to work that one day last week to make sure America was still the land of the free and all that, he cried all day, and when you came home and held him so I could sit on the couch and do nothing, I wanted to jump your bones…but you know, we got that pesky 6 week wait…BUT I DIGRESS, THANK YOU FOR HOLDING THE BABY, even when I say, “OHMAHGAWD, WATCH HIS LITTLE FEET.” (As I’m typing this, you’re holding little man and trying to pinky promise him because, “we’re best buds”…I mean, really, you’re the best.)

2. You’re wiping the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

Seriously, you probably know better than me how to get all the little bits down there clean.  So I’m just gonna let you claim this victory, A.

3. You’re putting the diaper on wrong. Do it anyway.

Guilty.  I am guilty as charged.  But thank you for changing his diaper without even thinking twice.  I know it seems like I save the poopy diapers for you (and sometimes I do, not going to lie) and I know that once we were settled at home, I was sure to show you how changed his diaper like I was the diaper messiah (heads up, little man’s was the first diaper I ever changed), but I really do appreciate you.  And let’s be honest, you saved my ass in the hospital…I couldn’t hold him, couldn’t change his diaper…and you did ALL of that.  So thanks, you’re my pal.

4. You’re burping the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

I’m sorry I birthed the gassiest child on Earth – not that you’re surprised, because you are married to the gassiest woman on Earth.  Burping the baby is like a SPEC OPS mission that sometimes goes horribly wrong.  It can end in a series of burps, hysterical crying, sharts…who really knows what the final outcome will be, and that goes for when I burp him or you burp him.  I will say, though…DON’T CRUMPLE HIM UP ON YOUR CHEST, HOW DO YOU EXPECT THE GAS TO GET OUT.

5. You’re bathing the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

Hmmm…you should bathe the baby.  I will update after I witness it. 

6. You’re pushing the stroller wrong. Do it anyway.

Is there a wrong way to push a stroller?

7. You’re feeding the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

Yeahhhhhh…I’m bad about this one…”you’re holding the bottle wrong,” “watch the air bubble,” “blah blah blahhhhhhh.”  Thanks for feeding the baby.  Thanks for getting up at night with little to no grumblings to feed the baby.  Thanks for sometimes taking two feedings in a row so I can get an unprecedented amount of sleep.  All in all, if food is getting in the tummy, all is well!  But for real, watch that air bubble…

8. You’re dressing the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

SOMETIMES, I FEEL LIKE YOUR BIG MAN HANDS ARE PUSHING TOO HARD ON M BABY’S HEAD WHILE STUFFING HIM INTO ONESIES.  But thanks for dressing him anyways, even when you know I’m going to make a comment about it.  I can’t help it.  

9. You’re soothing  the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

Thanks for trying to soothe him when he is crying and we have done everything else in the world to make him stop.  If he doesn’t stop crying, toss him over.  Sometimes, a man just needs some boobies to cuddle into and a sweet voice to sing to them.  Not that you’re doing it wrong, necessarily, but I have some pretty decent assets to use for bouncing, snuggling, and loving on the little baby.  Thanks for trying, anyways.

10. You’re singing to the baby wrong. Do it anyway.

Your voice is so deep…do you think he likes it?  Is it scaring him?  No?  He’s giggling?  Oh…well…carry on.

Please.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

P.S. We have no idea what the hell we’re doing, either.

Really, I don’t, and it helps that we are making up the rules together.

 

 

Head over to Scary Mommy to check out more parenthood hilarity!

Common courtesies to show a pregnant lady

So, let’s have a chat.

Now, I’m aware that the majority of my blog followers are fellow pregnant ladies, so they will read this and nod emphatically while clapping their hands together and saying, “Preach!”  <In my head, apparently all my followers are sassy ;-)>

I do hope, however, that a non-pregnant person might happen to stroll by this post, read a few bullet points, and then go teach other people to stop being such assholes.

Let’s begin.

 

If you can, offer up your chair.

I’m a high school teacher and had the privilege of watching several of my children graduate last Friday.  It was a sweet occasion, particularly because I witnessed their struggles first hand.  The pride I felt was overwhelming.  Well, and there was a bit of relief at knowing I would never again have to tutor, argue with, chide, push, and grade those children ever again.  (Until the new set comes in next year…)

However, the happy ceremony will always be marred for me.  Because at almost 34 weeks pregnant with insane sciatica and a 5ft frame that can barely support my boobs, much less the belly…not a single person offered me a seat.  The event was a sold out show, as it were, and I stood the entire 3 hours.

Three holy-shit-I-can’t-feel-my-extremities-my-back-is-about-to-snap-in-half-my-fingers-have-swelled-to-the-size-of-a-sausage hours.

At one point, I noticed an empty seat in the section I had been tasked with monitoring.  Excited at the potential for some relief, I waddled over and asked if the seat was taken.  The woman turned to look at me and said, “Yes, my son will be here shortly.”  I just nodded and sadly lumbered back to the dent I made in the floor and continued my vigil.

And wouldn’t you know, when her son finally showed up an hour late, he was 15 fucking years old and kept his headphones in the whole time while playing on his phone?

Moral of the story:  if you see a pregnant lady whose belly has its own gravitational pull, offer her your chair if you can.  Chances are she is suffering and you letting her sit down will be the nicest thing that happens to her all day.

 

Do not harp on about her hugeness.

Bro, I know I’m big.  I think being pregnant makes people think it’s ok to tell a girl she is large.

“Wow, you get bigger every time I see you!”  Yeah, I’m on the hobbit meal plan.  It includes two breakfasts and noonsies after luncheon.

“Jeez, you’re huge!  Haven’t you popped yet?”  Obviously not.

“I swear, there must be twins in there.”  Naw, but he has been weight training using my liver.

I’m not an overly emotional person, or one who takes things too seriously.  And truly, I understand that most of the time, people are EXCITED I’m this big, because in their mind, that means baby is healthy and growing.  This particular grievance comes from the fact that these comments are not original, and to be honest…they are getting kind of old.  I know I’m big, so unless you are going to comment on my rotundity with some originality, just save your breath.  Or better yet, buy me a donut, remind me that I’m a fucking champion for growing this baby, and move on.

Moral of the story:  unless you are hilarious and original, keep your fat comments to yourself.

 

Unless you are about to pee on yourself, let the pregnant lady jump you in line.

This past weekend, we traveled a few hours away to attend our baby shower my family was throwing for us.  We had to make several stops on the way there because Raylan has discovered that he can push off of my bladder with his little fists and bounce into my diaphragm.  Obviously, this hurts and causes me to pee myself on a regular basis.

In any case, on one such incident, we squealed to a halt outside of a McDonald’s so that I could hightail it into the bathroom.  As I limped/shuffled to the restroom, I noticed there was a woman standing outside the bathroom.  I raised my eyebrows and smiled at her, a nonverbal inquiry as to her purpose.  And she responded by looking me up and down and saying, “The line starts behind me.”

Wellllllllllllllll, okay then.

While waiting in line with her, Raylan performed his little stunt two or three more times.  Each time, I bent over slightly, pressed my lips together, and clenched every muscle below my waist.  Don’t piss your pants at McDonald’s, don’t piss your pants at McDonald’s.

The woman was not impressed with me.  She sighed a couple times before finally entering the bathroom as another woman exited.  I pushed in after her because I figured if I did pee on myself, it would be easier to handle in the bathroom as opposed to standing in the dining room.

Moral of the story:  if you see a pregnant lady whose eyes are turning yellow from the force of which she is holding back her urine, let her hop in front of you if you can hold it.

 

Do you have any other common courtesies you would like to be shown as a pregnant person?

Pregnancy Achievement Unlocked: Reach 20 weeks

How far along?  20 weeks!  Woohoo!  I found out I was pregnant what felt like the day we conceived (ok, a little over a week after…I have a weird cycle and ovulated the day after my period ended…I just…I don’t know) so this 20 weeks has felt like it’s dragged!  But…at the same time, I’m stunned we’re already here!  It feels great to have reached this mile stone with my little man!

Maternity clothes?  Girl, yes.  I chaperoned the JROTC Military Ball for the high school I work at (it was more fun than the Air Force Ball, for real…) and used it as an excuse to buy a new dress.  The Motherhood Maternity store is my best friend.  Beautiful black, floor length dress…for $25!  BOOM.  The kids got a kick out of the belly.  I don’t blame them.

The black is slimming, I know.

The black is slimming, I know.

Can we talk about my boo thang for a second?  That is one HAWT lieutenant.

Can we talk about my boo thang for a second? That is one HAWT lieutenant.

Stretch marks?   *big giant dramatic sigh*  they are indeed starting to spring up.  Just one or two, but still.  I’m not too worried about it, though.  I’m just going to treat myself like a bad ass tiger.  (repeat from previous post)

Sleep: No.

No-meme-rag-face-1-

Movement: YESSSS.  He rolls around all the time.  It’s awesome.  His peak hours seem to be after I have eaten and before bed.  It is the sweetest, most amazing feeling on the planet.  I can’t wait until he is bigger and really kicking so A can feel him.

Food cravings:  Sour and savory things.

Symptoms:  Before pregnancy, I had never heard of sciatica or the sciatic nerve…I am quite familiar with it now as any time I walk for an extended period, I feel shooting pains through my butt cheek and into my leg.  I also have round ligament pain like a boss.  But usually only if I make sudden movements, like when I hop (well…whatever hop means for a pregnant lady) off the couch or book it down the hallway to the bathroom or after a troublemaker.  These high school kids are fast.

Gender: A sweet baby boy

Baby is:  About the length of a banana which is think is the most ridiculously wonderful comparison ever.  He should be weighing about 10.5 ounces, but I’m sure Raylan is measuring a little larger, like he always does.

Best moment this week:  This past weekend, I did nothing but watch the Olympics, which was fabulous.  And last week was hell.  I know I said the same thing about the week before, but I was wrong.  Let me just lay it down for you:
Monday – hour long faculty meeting, meaning I did not leave school until 5.
Tuesday – lacrosse games in what felt like the Antarctic
Wednesday – hump day wasn’t too bad…but I also could just be blocking it out…
Thursday – Open House at the high school…it was fun and nice to see potential students, just long.  Ended up leaving school around 8:15.
Friday – The power went out.  I kid you not.  So…we just chilled – in the dark, for an hour.  3rd block ended up staying in my class in extra 30 or so minutes, so I had them for a little over 2 hours…2 hours, 30 teenagers…yeah.
Looking forward to:  This weekend!  I’m not sure what we’re doing, but it is A’s birthday.  I like celebrating my sweet pea!

Long. Ass. Week.

So. Yeah.  This has been, you guessed it! a long ass week.  BUT TOMORROW IS FRIDAY, LET ME PLAY YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE AND WE SHALL DANCE!

Because this has been such a trashy week, I COMPLETELY forgot to check in with baby boy this week.  So let’s get that out of the way 4 days late!

How far along?  About 18 and a half weeks (I really have to got to get better at doing these on the new week mark…)

Maternity clothes?  Yes.  A couple pairs of work pants.  I need to get some blue jeans, though!  I can’t wear blue jeans to work (we don’t even have blue jean Friday…) BUT, on the weekends I would rather have something that fits other than sweat pants and work slacks.

Stretch marks?   *big giant dramatic sigh*  they are indeed starting to spring up.  Just one or two, but still.  I’m not too worried about it, though.  I’m just going to treat myself like a bad ass tiger.

Sleep: Some nights are better than others.  But I’m peeing an average of 3 times a night which is really unfortunate…

Movement:  I SWEAR I FELT A LITTLE KICK A FEW DAYS AGO.  I was laid back in my chair during lunch with my feet up on my desk when BOOP!  I felt a little spring like movement against my skin.  I haven’t felt anything definitive like that since.  But, sometimes when we are doing the fetal doppler, I can hear his movements.

Food cravings:  CHEESEBURGERS.  WITH ONION RINGS. AND RANCH.  AND CHEESE FRIES.

Gender:  BOY BOY BOY.  We found out on Friday it’s a boy 🙂  His name is Raylan James!  And I’m so madly in love with his little self, I feel like I might explode.

Baby is: Last Friday, RJ weighed in at 7 ounces.  Haha, go baby!  He is going to be a healthy little man.

Best moment this week:  Um…it’s been a really long week.  The best moment of this week hasn’t happened yet but it will on Friday when I walk to my car and roll out.
Looking forward to:  Eating a cheeseburger for supper.  I wasn’t kidding about those cravings.  AND ALSO DECORATING THE NURSERY.  Also, finding out the gender of Tucked Neatly Away and Wife and Mother in One Day baby dumplings!  Can’t wait!!

Live blogging the Golden Globes

When I was in college, my roommate and I used to grab some Jack and have a ball watching the Golden Globes, not caring that we had class the next day.  It was one of our few nights we lived up to the college girl stereotype and we did it with style.  Fast forward a couple years after college and I’m pregnant and on my second piece of cheesecake, so things are a little different.  While I still have class tomorrow (this time, I’m the teacher) I wanted to sort of relive my over exuberance over the Golden Globes.  So here goes!  Live blogging the Golden Globes!

Hosts:  Tina Fey and Amy Poehler…HOLY SHIT, Tina Fey, yes.  You are smoking.  That dress.  And that hair.  And that makeup.  Om nom nom.  In other news, this introduction has lasted quite a while…Poor Tom Hanks; his awkward face over the prosthetic genitals comment.  LOL, “I am the captain now,” stop that, Tina.

My husband is in love with Sandra Bullock.  Not that I’m complaining, I am, too.

Supporting Actress on the big screen:  So many great choices!  Jennifer Lawrence is a silly bitch, but I’m glad she won.  Her dress looks like the dress Ariel made when she washed up on the beach after getting her legs.

Supporting Actress on the little screen:  I haven’t heard of Dancing on the Edge, and was totally pulling for Sofia because big butted women have to stick together, but the reaction of Jacqueline was amazing.  🙂  I love heartfelt emotions even more now as a pregnant lady.  <The music is playing, HURRY!!>

Best mini-series or TV movie:  If American Horror Story doesn’t win, I quit…SON OF A BISCUIT.  No cigar.  Maybe I should get real cable so I can watch all these shows that are on HBO and Showtime and the like…Behind the Candelabra?  Never heard of it.  Which probably just proves that I’m too impoverished to be as cultured as I should be.

Best actress mini-series or TV movie:  JESSICA LANGE PLEASE JESSICA LANGE.  NO?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.  I think Jessica Lange is amazing.  Elizabeth Moss…is it bad I only recognize her from Get him to the Greek?

Matt Damon, snazzy as always.  “It’s me, the garbage man…who didn’t bring his glasses.”  I chuckled.

I wonder if the teleprompter really messed up…whether it was planned or not, still cute and silly.

Best actor in a TV series drama:  A is pulling for Bryan Cranston.  Andddddd….he called it!  I never got into Breaking Bad, which puts me in the 1% of Americans who didn’t watch it.  To be fair, when we were trying to catch up on all the seasons on Netflix, I was working 50-60 hour weeks running a summer camp…and sleep was more important than watching Breaking Bad.  I hope to start it again soon!

Best TV series drama:  Got a rousing “yeahhhh” from A after Breaking Bad was announced the winner.  Hmmm…this was much more intense when my roommate and I were well into our jack and cokes…MORE CHEESECAKE!!

I REALLY want to see Philomena.  And I think that is phenomenally special they brought the real Philomena on the Golden Globes.  🙂

Kate Beckinsale…flawless.  P. Diddy, silly.  Usher…Usher, Usher, Usher!

Orignal Score – motion picture:  Alex Ebert – All is Lost.  He looks like he was just electrocuted!  I appreciate that bed head look.  I also appreciate this story about the party boat story with Diddy.  What an eloquent speech…all over that guy’s movie.

Original song – motion picture:  Pulling for “Let it go” because it doesn’t get better than Idina Menzel.  Fact.  Damn…”Ordinary Love” takes it.  Maybe I should stop guessing…I have been wrong literally every time.  Oh, U2…what are y’all talking about?  Catholics unite!  Bono + dysfunctional love stories = Nelson Mandela?  All joking aside, and on a total unrelated note, my students hardly knew anything about Nelson Mandela.  That was absurdly depressing to me.  Apartheid was a word in a foreign language to them.  I tried to draw connections to the Civil Rights movement in America to Apartheid.  We talked about how their lives are now, hearing stories of segregation from grandparents and great grandparents and then tried to imagine what their lives might be like had racism been a legally protected right until the ’90s.  It rocked them a bit.  Good.  That’s what education is for.  To rock the boat.

BACK TO THE GOLDEN GLOBES!

Supporting actor – tv series, mini-series, tv movie:  Jon Voight.  He is getting to that age where his skin looks papery and you are afraid to hug him too hard.  Props to him for being such a bad ass despite the fact that he is wearing a scarf with his suit!  He is a pretty phenomenal actor.  “I’m as nervous as everybody else!”  hahaha ❤

I REALLY want to see “Her.”  It looks absurdly interesting.  What a creepy and yet not wholly unbelievable premise!

Best Actress in a motion picture:  I LOVE AMY ADAMS, FINALLY, I CALLED ONE!!!!!!  I want Amy Adams to narrate and sing a soundtrack to my life.

Amy as Randy – oddly attractive and hilarious…and reminiscent of the attitude I get in the classroom!  ;D

Best actress – tv series:  I really need to watch House of Cards.  I’m going to start a list of things I need to watch after this baby comes out.

Jim Carrey never left his awkward phase.  He GOT me with that Shia joke, though…”so young, soooo wise.”

Best supporting Actor – motion picture:  Jared Leto…woah.  *shrugs*  ok.

Emma Thompson is my ABSOLUTE favorite.  ABSOLUTE.  Holding her shoes and alcohol and shit.

Best screenplay:  Spike Jonze – Her.  I’m cool with this.  No particular opinion either way.

Can they make another Jurassic Park?  Thanks.

Best actor – tv series…and I wasn’t paying attention to type the rest of it:  Jim Parsons.  Give him all the awards.  Look at that face.  ANDY SAMBERG.  eh.  HE SHOOK LEONARDO DICAPRIO’S HAND.  I WANT TO SHAKE LEO’S HAND.

Best foreign language film: I love foreign films and do not watch nearly enough of them.  After a class of Italian literature and movies, Italian art particularly holds a special place in my heart.  Glad an Italian movie won!

Melissa is my favorite.

Best actor in a tv series, mini-series: remember that time Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were married? I do.  They still are in case you were wondering.  Still weird.

Best animated film: Frozen!  I have heard nothing but amazing things! Proud!

Best actress in a tv series, comedy: no matter who wins, I think Amy Poehler takes the cake for the Bono back rub. AWWWWWWW AND SHE DID WIN!! And then made out with Bono…ew.

Aiight, Diane Keaton…be gone.

Best director: does anybody care about this award? I know I should, they worked their ass off to make this movie…but…whatever. The gravity director won, btw.

Best tv series- comedy: Brooklyn 99, literally the only one of those options I have not seen.  Let’s call this award show “awards to the obscure mixed with enough non-obscurity to keep you watching.” I fully understand this is more about my lack of knowledge and less about the Golden Globes, but I still like to bitch.

Best Actor: (finally, the good shit!) LEO!!!! I have an irrational love of this man.  And I don’t care who knows it.  Hubba Hubba!

Drew Barrymore…why did your friends let you out in that dress?

Best comedy or musical: American Hustle.  No surprise.

Best actress in a drama: here I am singing Leo’s praises and he goes off and says “philomania” like this is some kind of WWE smack down…but props to Cate Blanchett! Does she ever age? She is flawless.

Best Actor – drama: “you caught Osama bin laden,” A says as Jessica Chastain walks on stage.  Whenever I think of Matthew McConnaughy, I always think of this article I read where he said he didn’t wear deodorant.

and finally, best motion picture drama: 12 Years a Slave. Good! They have been up for many awards and didn’t take any home! Glad they get to take this one.

 

There goes the golden globes! Time for pregnant teachers to hit the sack and wish when they wake up in the morning they had gone to bed earlier!